but you see, the ones who dream big
stay asleep, but the ones at the top
step on us and we see their feet
a balancing act and we're the desk bound job
they prance on clouds as they please
at the bottom are friends that we've got
hair sprayed white, clothes in jungle green
it's a lonely journey up there, is it worth your shot?
mood's much better.
i think what's wrong isn't me, its me burning out from speaking to rude clients, getting scolded sometimes and being overworked...
i think it's about time for a holiday? now where should i go...
this isn't going to be a polished post about my dreams and life, but more of a catharsis of what i am feeling right now, emptying my brain of these negative vibes all into this cauldron of the world wide web.
i am quite dissatisfied, but it has been this way for a long time. i am uninspired and i feel as if i have not exercised my brain muscles in a long time - sometimes it feels as if i cannot even pen my thoughts onto paper.
it feels so much as if i've been putting my energy into wasteful and resultless pursuits, but time goes on and takes away my youth along with it. i've been making music, singing with no audience, posting with no engagement on youtube or tiktok. but i don't think i sing badly... i just feel... it's like my luck?
but is it luck or am i doing something wrong? or am i just afraid to make a move?
i'm tired of being a b-list actor, acting small roles for 10 years and counting and being paid xx/day and feeling super small... how do i survive on that amount? and it really shows the lack of respect towards working class actors.
i get it we aren't that famous but we work really hard. but fame... some people do say i have some of it - but it hasn't brought me opportunities... in fact... i have had more years back when i was an unknown.
i work in a job that pays fine... but having to rush my lunch/dinner every time is not sustainable at all, and i feel so drained and tired and i can't even exercise / gym which makes me feel even worse, and seeing my fellow staff miss their meals entirely because of a busy crowd makes me feel so sad and indignant, that the boss is ballin' and earning so much but lacks a heart.
and i see my friends around me do very well... buying a sports car... house... business class... ceo of xxxxx - not that im jealous but it made me wonder, what am i doing with my life. am i making the right decisions? by following my "heart" and thinking that if i follow my calling/passion i will do well?
i need to do something with my life but what - get a corporate job? if so, what? what allows some flexibility, some remote work chances, idk something that i can enjoy? sales? business development?
but can i give up this dream which i've been chasing for a decade but which bore no fruit?
i don't want to be average. i don't want to be mediocre. i want to leave a legacy and live a lifestyle with creature comforts, not having to worry about not having enough money. i want to earn so much that no matter how much my mom asks for money or wtv, i can give freely without asking her to control her spending or wondering if i can cope.
it's like i have a dream of the life i wanna have, and the things i wanna do chasing my passions, but
the middle part is empty - i don't know how to get there and every option seems to be a compromise somewhere.
HELP? :(
help.
i feel consumed by my fear of mediocrity and poverty. i'm not sure how to shake that constant ache at the back of my mind, constantly reminding me that i am at the wrong place right now, and i have no time.
and i feel like i have a finite number of days in my life, and every day i spend working part-time, doing aimless, repetitive things does me no good. but if i leave, i would also be wasting my time at home, lazing my day away as entertainment jobs don't come by easy.
i have a vision on the life i want to leave, the lifestyle i want to have but everything does not add up. and i see the lives of so many, slogging days and years only to earn some petty cash - but the big bosses reap all the profit from the labour of the workers. e.g. where i work at, the revenue of the outlet is a hundred times my daily rate; and it's the same wherever i go. and how disgusting is that - capitalism -
but the ones at the top never complain - and i bet, if i'm at the top i won't either. but now i'm one of the factory workers and i am extremely humbled by the difficult lives that we have to lead, to earn a fraction of what these bosses can earn, shaking their legs at home and shaking hands with other powerful people.
i am so lost - and so muddled - i have no anchor anymore, and even at my acting - after 10 years of hard work, i am still this part-time, featured extra actor, hardly respected on set and hardly appreciated, with horrible pay and no future in sight for me.
at this moment - if someone can give me an instruction manual on how to be financially free, i would gladly take it. with money comes authority and freedom - i can record my song album, i can commission my own movie, travel the world, do charity work, treat friends to meals and so much more...
but i'm not poor, i just feel so mediocre and ordinary, but that's what most people end up their whole lives, right? if i'm average, at least i'm not homeless on the streets, begging or dying... i should be appreciative, right?
but i am just not happy. it is so difficult to be happy, and i think it's all my own fault so i can't really tell anyone anything.
help.
