you can spend a few thousand dollars on a paper monkey but u can't spend more than a hundred on me...

i feel so small.

that stupid ache's been there for weeks

help.

i feel consumed by my fear of mediocrity and poverty. i'm not sure how to shake that constant ache at the back of my mind, constantly reminding me that i am at the wrong place right now, and i have no time.

and i feel like i have a finite number of days in my life, and every day i spend working part-time, doing aimless, repetitive things does me no good. but if i leave, i would also be wasting my time at home, lazing my day away as entertainment jobs don't come by easy.

i have a vision on the life i want to leave, the lifestyle i want to have but everything does not add up. and i see the lives of so many, slogging days and years only to earn some petty cash - but the big bosses reap all the profit from the labour of the workers. e.g. where i work at, the revenue of the outlet is a hundred times my daily rate; and it's the same wherever i go. and how disgusting is that - capitalism -

but the ones at the top never complain - and i bet, if i'm at the top i won't either. but now i'm one of the factory workers and i am extremely humbled by the difficult lives that we have to lead, to earn a fraction of what these bosses can earn, shaking their legs at home and shaking hands with other powerful people.

i am so lost - and so muddled - i have no anchor anymore, and even at my acting - after 10 years of hard work, i am still this part-time, featured extra actor, hardly respected on set and hardly appreciated, with horrible pay and no future in sight for me.

at this moment - if someone can give me an instruction manual on how to be financially free, i would gladly take it. with money comes authority and freedom - i can record my song album, i can commission my own movie, travel the world, do charity work, treat friends to meals and so much more...

but i'm not poor, i just feel so mediocre and ordinary, but that's what most people end up their whole lives, right? if i'm average, at least i'm not homeless on the streets, begging or dying... i should be appreciative, right?

but i am just not happy. it is so difficult to be happy, and i think it's all my own fault so i can't really tell anyone anything.

help.