good bye 2021

a year has passed and i think i could have been more proud of myself. tried new things, new gigs came my way but somehow i feel this lingering stagnancy. i wish for the life of someone well respected, accomplished and powerful; wealthy with one's own prowess and ability - but i feel inadequate. i wish i did not view my self-worth through my success in life, but i am not sure why this is ingrained in me - and i do feel as if i could have done so much much more.

i should not feel sad. i am more than self-sufficient, capable of surviving within my means, but i want an extra-ordinary life. a life that creates inspiration from others - but how would this happen when even i do not think of myself highly?

for 2022, i wish to treat myself better, to measure myself less by the yardstick of the best in society, but with myself - and to congratulate myself for every little victory i might get with my hard work.

i hope for the best, and for me to be happy :)

1am thoughts

dear me: 

i've always wondered about how everyone's internal voice sounds like. are they happy, bubbly, joyous with encouraging words at every step? or a gentle, calm and collected voice of reason? 

sometimes i feel that mine is a grinch, grumbling about life itself, about how it's so futile to search for a higher purpose - everything i've chased is an illusion, and loneliness is comfortable. 

but how can that be? after all the laughter, the smiles we exchange, the customary fist bumps - isn't all of that but customary? when we get back into our tiny homes, a box in a sea of grey, do we still smile? at how beautiful life can be, or perhaps a text from someone you adore - but more often than not we revert: smiles gone, tension released, but body heavy with wear and tear, and a weary reckoning on another identical day tomorrow.

sometimes i wish i had someone close, someone to call in the middle of the night to talk about absolutely nothing, someone to ask if i was feeling ok, to cheer me on while i hustle -

but perhaps i chose to be lonely. it is difficult to trust - so many of us are self-centered in our ways, the poor lament about their existence and the rich dip their toes into gold filled bathtubs and branded goods from head to toe - while lamenting about how difficult their life is -

and those who approach you: so many either have an agenda that you are done sieving out the rabble. is it a good position to be in: lonely, but powerful? not under the shrewd eye of the fox, waiting for the opportune time to make use of you, but it comes at a great cost - your phone stays silent and you only share your thoughts with no one but yourself.

but perhaps you could be your own best friend. sometimes i pat my own back and exclaim, " good job, buddy. it has been a difficult life but you have lived till now - and you are not ready to quit."

it has been a difficult life. sometimes i do feel like an imposter - i am gone through so much, and i am not where i want to be: but people think i am an airhead: floating through life, giggling at lame jokes and having fun clowning around. but do they know the baggage i pack away deep within, the could-haves and the has-beens? 

but the only person i could be lying to, is myself - but it works to keep me going. it's just the little moment where my skeletons peak out, hanging by the arm out of the closet like a dried little corpse: but i am consoled by the fact but my skeletons are dead - the past, memories that can no longer hurt me.

thanks to this little blog for being my little stash-away that no one will ever find. <3

moodtalk

A lingering melancholy

At the back of your mind

Weighs down so heavy 

But hides away for fun time

When you smile

You are an imposter

The lies you speak daily

Are to non other but yourself

Life is fleeting

A long story but a moment in time

Milestones weigh heavy

and living is a mountain climb

But how do you smile

When embraced by fear

Loneliness is a human condition

And entertainment is a lukewarm tear

I dread to sleep, but waking is a momentary cheer