it's an odd feeling to suddenly be free after a few weekends of intense work... it almost seems that i've become lost once again. i love my work, i love what i do, but i am so afraid of the inherent discontentment within me. i know that i am meant for great things but i am limited by my scarcity mindset and my... inertia.
i have been working for almost a decade, but looking back, i've not grown in terms of opportunities. maybe experiences, and i am a much more polished performer and entertainer, but i have not been able to build my clientele beyond the few regulars, and that is worrying.
but i also don't want to be absorbed in greed; i want to cultivate my habit of gratitude and contentment for what i have - i am certainly living a good life, a comfortable life... but i am also tired of being mediocre.
but people do not see this - they see my fame, they see that i do big jobs - but what's the point if it doesn't need to a steady growth or consistent income? i earn, but i am tired of trading my time for money, i wish to make it work for me.
but i've done investments, stock trading and got my big potential (paper) profit and then my large loss and now that i've tasted what it feels like to earn so much without lifting a finger, i feel that i'm wasting my time chasing after pennies when i should be cultivating a farm that grows dollar bills.
i've not gone richer but my mind has changed, and i can't stop. i just hope my inertia will be overcome, that i can build the strength to work harder and smarter to get what i aim for in life: something worthwhile, something meaningful and something extraordinary.
Monday, 26 June 2023
Hi Narcissistic Abuser...
It’s one month of us going no-contact… Honestly I know it has been hard for both of us in this relationship and we have never understood each other, and I’ve never understood why you were so happy with me at the start, and so kind and loving, then suddenly angry and upset with me all the time after that.
I promised you a lifetime together with me, but I know now that it will suffocate you because you’re not ready for a long term relationship. I love you, but I will let you go since it’s the best for you. I have been healing this month but I still care for you.
I just want to thank you for loving me at the start, for treating my mother well and making me so happy at the beginning of our relationship, for all the calls we had everyday and the good times spent together, and for the lessons I learnt at the later part during difficult times. Thank you for introducing me to your friends, this made me feel included in your life even though I was so far away most of the time, and thank you for opening your heart, being vulnerable with me, and telling me all your problems and worries, I was blessed to be able to be there for you in your bad times, and thank you for spending my vacations with me - there are times I truly felt lucky and happy to travel with you and spend happy moments together.
But I just hope in the future, whether with me or your future boyfriend(s), please don’t run away from your problems. The honeymoon period will always be over, and after that there will definitely be problems, because it’s two people coming together. It’ll never be “exciting” forever, and everything will become “boring” and “silly” because you have gotten to know all the things of your boyfriend that you have not known, and that will repeat with anyone you meet. If you keep running away, you will keep running away forever from any boy you meet.
If you want true happiness, stay. Work through the bad times, be strong enough to communicate if you are unhappy in a kind way, to commit even if your emotions are telling you to drop everything and run away because you are angry, and to not calculate in a relationship because you will always be tired.
For me, even when you started insulting me, criticizing me and telling me I need to change so many things like my nose or to stop wearing shorts, and after being unfaithful and using me for my money, I have kept forgiving you because in a relationship, we work through problems and we have made a commitment to each other, and I made a promise to you to stay always.
I understand your own mind is under a lot of turmoil. From what you tell me every day: I understand that you are unhappy in life and my heart breaks every time I hear that you are sad. That’s why I’m writing you this long email, I hope something in this might give you good advice on how to be happy in relationships and happy in life.
I hope you learn how to love someday, and that your next guy will really be your last boyfriend and you will marry him. Please try not to hurt anyone else… only say love and promise if you really mean it. I know you did not hurt me on purpose but i hope you can be a little more careful next time with people, ok?
I also hope that you eventually learn how to love urself, without the money, without the reputation or external appearance or HI SO - you are worthy of being loved just the way you are. Even without the car or job, you are still very much loved, you just need to learn to love yourself and not what you have or what you can do.
That’s all I can say, and you can talk to me again when eventually you feel that you are ready.
I fell in love with you the moment you played the piano for me
Sing for me bb
I love your muscle bb
I want to lie on your tummy
You will marry me ok?
I want to see you so much bb
I want to see your family bb
I miss you so so much bb
I want you to be the first one to sit in my car
10 years is too long to get married… can we get married sooner b?
I want to live together with you bb
Narcissistic Dumping:
All my exes were trash, used my money and cheat on me (end up they’re actually the one that physically abused all their exes and cheated on them)
I couldn’t sleep whole night.. Stressed about work, had to take sleeping pill..
I really don’t like my best friends… They only stay with me to use me always
My mother is crazy… always fight with me and use me, I do everything for her but she never appreciate me
My bad boss do so many horrible things to me
I have credit card debt.. bb can you help me please? if not i’m so stressed
i feel like i want to die by 30… life is so meaningless and i feel so empty
Everyone is against me, I work so hard but why I always get this
Devaluing:
I am old money and high society.. You are poor people
Pay for this bitch!
Bye bitch.
Smelly Chinese mouth!
You always too much, make me tired!
Stop singing, you sound horrible
You cannot force me to say “I love you”, you control me too much!
Don’t force me!
You’re not match with me.
Stop embarrassing me!
I’m so tired talking with you.
Why did the hotel repost your photo and not mine? It’s because you take horrible photo of me! Fuck you!
You go to the gym but still so fat.
You don’t support me at all!
I’m just calculative, that’s the way I am, you stupid or what?
Never meet me again if you wear shorts! You look like poor people!
Stop blowing your nose so loud!
You always make me wait for you, I don’t like it!
Stop wearing these socks, you not a child anymore and I am embarrassed to go out with you!
If you come meet me, you have to learn manners, our culture is more well-mannered than yours, Chinese people always laughed by us because you are so rude
Non of your business!
Fuck you and fuck off!
I want revenge because you make me wait and make me embarrassed, I want to make you feel 2 times what I feel
Why your leg hair so long and ugly
(Why did you cheat on me with so many guys?) You never ever understand me that’s why
I hate Chinese people.. I only love you for your money
You sat in my car, now you pay me fuel! I don’t care you have no money left!
Don’t be poor people!
Why are all of my exes and you all crazy in love with me?
You have an ugly Chinese nose, you should go for surgery… maybe your jaw too you look fat.
Drama again, this is boring.
You always give me problem and stress
You know, all my best friends might treat you well but they’re all laughing at you and complaining to me
I’m fucking smart, but you are stupid
I’ve always seen you as boring and silly
the money you give me is what you owe me!
Discard:
we’re not match, i was only joking but you make it drama.
(i want to tell you to stop calling me horrible things)
I hate when you always come back with drama!
then don’t talk to me anymore, fuck you!
December 2022 to May 2023 - Remember the good times and learn from the bad. Good bye <3
