
And your anger to dictate your days
Never allow anything other than love and forgiveness to take foot in your life
just a journal with poetry, moody thoughts and memories i would like to come back to.

miss those days
where lemon tastes
sweet and no one to blame
where work is free
and talk is cheap
we're always a team
waiting by the window
promises loud and bold
where you place time on hold
endless conversations end
sweet nothings then
yes, of course and can
but not like this
please
more effort I miss
it's an odd feeling to suddenly be free after a few weekends of intense work... it almost seems that i've become lost once again. i love my work, i love what i do, but i am so afraid of the inherent discontentment within me. i know that i am meant for great things but i am limited by my scarcity mindset and my... inertia.
i have been working for almost a decade, but looking back, i've not grown in terms of opportunities. maybe experiences, and i am a much more polished performer and entertainer, but i have not been able to build my clientele beyond the few regulars, and that is worrying.
but i also don't want to be absorbed in greed; i want to cultivate my habit of gratitude and contentment for what i have - i am certainly living a good life, a comfortable life... but i am also tired of being mediocre.
but people do not see this - they see my fame, they see that i do big jobs - but what's the point if it doesn't need to a steady growth or consistent income? i earn, but i am tired of trading my time for money, i wish to make it work for me.
but i've done investments, stock trading and got my big potential (paper) profit and then my large loss and now that i've tasted what it feels like to earn so much without lifting a finger, i feel that i'm wasting my time chasing after pennies when i should be cultivating a farm that grows dollar bills.
i've not gone richer but my mind has changed, and i can't stop. i just hope my inertia will be overcome, that i can build the strength to work harder and smarter to get what i aim for in life: something worthwhile, something meaningful and something extraordinary.
Hi Narcissistic Abuser...
It’s one month of us going no-contact… Honestly I know it has been hard for both of us in this relationship and we have never understood each other, and I’ve never understood why you were so happy with me at the start, and so kind and loving, then suddenly angry and upset with me all the time after that.
I promised you a lifetime together with me, but I know now that it will suffocate you because you’re not ready for a long term relationship. I love you, but I will let you go since it’s the best for you. I have been healing this month but I still care for you.
I just want to thank you for loving me at the start, for treating my mother well and making me so happy at the beginning of our relationship, for all the calls we had everyday and the good times spent together, and for the lessons I learnt at the later part during difficult times. Thank you for introducing me to your friends, this made me feel included in your life even though I was so far away most of the time, and thank you for opening your heart, being vulnerable with me, and telling me all your problems and worries, I was blessed to be able to be there for you in your bad times, and thank you for spending my vacations with me - there are times I truly felt lucky and happy to travel with you and spend happy moments together.
But I just hope in the future, whether with me or your future boyfriend(s), please don’t run away from your problems. The honeymoon period will always be over, and after that there will definitely be problems, because it’s two people coming together. It’ll never be “exciting” forever, and everything will become “boring” and “silly” because you have gotten to know all the things of your boyfriend that you have not known, and that will repeat with anyone you meet. If you keep running away, you will keep running away forever from any boy you meet.
If you want true happiness, stay. Work through the bad times, be strong enough to communicate if you are unhappy in a kind way, to commit even if your emotions are telling you to drop everything and run away because you are angry, and to not calculate in a relationship because you will always be tired.
For me, even when you started insulting me, criticizing me and telling me I need to change so many things like my nose or to stop wearing shorts, and after being unfaithful and using me for my money, I have kept forgiving you because in a relationship, we work through problems and we have made a commitment to each other, and I made a promise to you to stay always.
I understand your own mind is under a lot of turmoil. From what you tell me every day: I understand that you are unhappy in life and my heart breaks every time I hear that you are sad. That’s why I’m writing you this long email, I hope something in this might give you good advice on how to be happy in relationships and happy in life.
I hope you learn how to love someday, and that your next guy will really be your last boyfriend and you will marry him. Please try not to hurt anyone else… only say love and promise if you really mean it. I know you did not hurt me on purpose but i hope you can be a little more careful next time with people, ok?
I also hope that you eventually learn how to love urself, without the money, without the reputation or external appearance or HI SO - you are worthy of being loved just the way you are. Even without the car or job, you are still very much loved, you just need to learn to love yourself and not what you have or what you can do.
That’s all I can say, and you can talk to me again when eventually you feel that you are ready.
Stay strong and all the best in everything!
Best regards,
Victim
ขอบคุณสำหรับทุกสิ่ง
สวัสดีคุณอูฐ…
เป็นเวลาหนึ่งเดือนที่เราขาดการติดต่อกัน... พูดตามตรงฉันรู้ว่ามันยากสำหรับเราทั้งคู่ในความสัมพันธ์นี้ และเราไม่เคยเข้าใจซึ่งกันและกัน และฉันไม่เคยเข้าใจเลยว่าทำไมคุณถึงมีความสุขกับฉันมากในตอนแรก และ ใจดีและรักมาก หลังจากนั้นก็โกรธและไม่พอใจฉันตลอดเวลาหลังจากนั้น
ฉันสัญญาว่าจะใช้ชีวิตร่วมกับคุณไปตลอดชีวิต แต่ตอนนี้ฉันรู้แล้วว่ามันจะทำให้คุณหายใจไม่ออกเพราะคุณไม่พร้อมสำหรับความสัมพันธ์ระยะยาว ฉันรักคุณ แต่ฉันจะปล่อยคุณไปเพราะมันดีที่สุดสำหรับคุณ ฉันได้รับการรักษาในเดือนนี้แต่ฉันยังคงเป็นห่วงคุณ
ฉันแค่อยากจะขอบคุณที่รักฉันตั้งแต่เริ่มต้น ดูแลแม่ของฉันอย่างดีและทำให้ฉันมีความสุขมากในช่วงเริ่มต้นของความสัมพันธ์ สำหรับการโทรทั้งหมดที่เรามีทุกวัน และช่วงเวลาดีๆ ที่ใช้ร่วมกัน และสำหรับบทเรียนที่ฉันได้เรียนรู้ ในช่วงหลังในช่วงเวลาที่ยากลำบาก ขอบคุณที่แนะนำฉันให้รู้จักเพื่อน ทำให้ฉันรู้สึกเป็นส่วนหนึ่งของชีวิตคุณ แม้ว่าส่วนใหญ่ฉันจะอยู่ไกลกัน และขอบคุณที่เปิดใจ อ่อนโยนกับฉัน และเล่าปัญหาและความกังวลทั้งหมดของคุณให้ฉันฟัง , ฉันมีความสุขที่ได้อยู่เคียงข้างคุณในช่วงเวลาที่เลวร้ายของคุณ และขอบคุณที่ใช้วันหยุดกับฉัน - มีบางครั้งที่ฉันรู้สึกโชคดีและมีความสุขอย่างแท้จริงที่ได้เดินทางไปกับคุณและใช้ช่วงเวลาแห่งความสุขร่วมกัน
แต่ฉันแค่หวังว่าในอนาคตไม่ว่าจะกับฉันหรือแฟนในอนาคตของคุณ โปรดอย่าหนีปัญหาของคุณ ช่วงเวลาฮันนีมูนมักจะจบลงและหลังจากนั้นจะมีปัญหาแน่นอนเพราะมากันสองคน มันจะไม่มีวัน "น่าตื่นเต้น" ตลอดไป และทุกอย่างจะกลายเป็น "น่าเบื่อ" และ "งี่เง่า" เพราะคุณได้รู้ทุกเรื่องของแฟนคุณที่คุณไม่เคยรู้ และนั่นจะซ้ำรอยกับใครก็ตามที่คุณพบเจอ ถ้าคุณเอาแต่หนี คุณจะหนีตลอดไปจากเด็กผู้ชายที่คุณเจอ
หากต้องการความสุขที่แท้จริง จงมุ่งมั่น และอดทน ทำงานผ่านช่วงเวลาที่เลวร้าย เข้มแข็งพอที่จะสื่อสารหากคุณไม่มีความสุขในทางที่ดี ยอมจำนนแม้ว่าอารมณ์ของคุณจะบอกให้คุณทิ้งทุกอย่างและหนีไปเพราะคุณโกรธ และอย่าคิดคำนวณในความสัมพันธ์เพราะคุณจะ มักจะเหนื่อยที่จะทำมัน
สำหรับฉัน แม้กระทั่งเมื่อคุณเริ่มดูถูกฉัน วิจารณ์ฉัน และบอกว่าฉันต้องเปลี่ยนหลายอย่าง เช่น จมูกของฉัน หรือเลิกใส่กางเกงขาสั้น และแม้กระทั่งหลังจากที่ฉันพบว่าคุณนอกใจ ฉันก็ยังให้อภัยคุณเสมอเพราะในความสัมพันธ์ , เราทำงานผ่านปัญหาและเราได้ให้คำมั่นสัญญาต่อกัน และฉันสัญญากับคุณว่าจะอยู่ตลอดไป
ฉันเข้าใจว่าจิตใจของคุณอยู่ภายใต้ความวุ่นวายมากมายจากชีวิตของคุณ จากที่เธอเล่าให้ฟังทุกวัน ฉันเข้าใจว่าเธอไม่มีความสุขในชีวิต และใจฉันสลายทุกครั้งที่ได้ยินว่าเธอเศร้า นั่นเป็นเหตุผลที่ฉันเขียนอีเมลยาวนี้ถึงคุณ ฉันหวังว่าบางสิ่งในนี้อาจให้คำแนะนำที่ดีแก่คุณเกี่ยวกับวิธีมีความสุขในความสัมพันธ์และมีความสุขในชีวิต
ฉันหวังว่าคุณจะเรียนรู้ที่จะรักสักวันหนึ่ง และผู้ชายคนต่อไปของคุณจะเป็นแฟนคนสุดท้ายของคุณจริงๆ และคุณจะแต่งงานกับเขา ได้โปรดอย่าทำร้ายใครอีก...แค่พูดว่ารักและสัญญาถ้าคุณหมายความตามนั้นจริงๆ ฉันรู้ว่าคุณไม่ได้ตั้งใจทำร้ายฉัน แต่ฉันหวังว่าคราวหน้าคุณจะระวังตัวมากกว่านี้หน่อย โอเคไหม?
ฉันยังหวังว่าคุณจะเรียนรู้ที่จะรักตัวเองในที่สุด โดยไม่ต้องมีเงินทอง ปราศจากชื่อเสียงหรือรูปลักษณ์ภายนอก คุณก็ยังสมควรได้รับความรัก แม้จะไม่มีรถหรืองาน คุณก็ยังเป็นที่รักของคุณ คุณเพียงแค่ต้องเรียนรู้ที่จะรักตัวเอง ไม่ใช่สิ่งที่คุณมีหรือสิ่งที่คุณทำได้
นั่นคือทั้งหมดที่ฉันสามารถพูดได้ และคุณสามารถพูดคุยกับฉันอีกครั้งเมื่อคุณรู้สึกว่าคุณพร้อม
จงเข้มแข็งและดีที่สุดในทุกสิ่ง!
ขอแสดงความนับถืออย่างสูง,
Written to reflect and learn from:
Love bombing / idealization:
I love you bb
You’re so cute bb, like kid
I want to build our future together bb
I fell in love with you the moment you played the piano for me
Sing for me bb
I love your muscle bb
I want to lie on your tummy
You will marry me ok?
I want to see you so much bb
I want to see your family bb
I miss you so so much bb
I want you to be the first one to sit in my car
10 years is too long to get married… can we get married sooner b?
I want to live together with you bb
Narcissistic Dumping:
All my exes were trash, used my money and cheat on me (end up they’re actually the one that physically abused all their exes and cheated on them)
I couldn’t sleep whole night.. Stressed about work, had to take sleeping pill..
I really don’t like my best friends… They only stay with me to use me always
My mother is crazy… always fight with me and use me, I do everything for her but she never appreciate me
My bad boss do so many horrible things to me
I have credit card debt.. bb can you help me please? if not i’m so stressed
i feel like i want to die by 30… life is so meaningless and i feel so empty
Everyone is against me, I work so hard but why I always get this
Devaluing:
I am old money and high society.. You are poor people
Pay for this bitch!
Bye bitch.
Smelly Chinese mouth!
You always too much, make me tired!
Stop singing, you sound horrible
You cannot force me to say “I love you”, you control me too much!
Don’t force me!
You’re not match with me.
Stop embarrassing me!
I’m so tired talking with you.
Why did the hotel repost your photo and not mine? It’s because you take horrible photo of me! Fuck you!
You go to the gym but still so fat.
You don’t support me at all!
I’m just calculative, that’s the way I am, you stupid or what?
Never meet me again if you wear shorts! You look like poor people!
Stop blowing your nose so loud!
You always make me wait for you, I don’t like it!
Stop wearing these socks, you not a child anymore and I am embarrassed to go out with you!
If you come meet me, you have to learn manners, our culture is more well-mannered than yours, Chinese people always laughed by us because you are so rude
Non of your business!
Fuck you and fuck off!
I want revenge because you make me wait and make me embarrassed, I want to make you feel 2 times what I feel
Why your leg hair so long and ugly
(Why did you cheat on me with so many guys?) You never ever understand me that’s why
I hate Chinese people.. I only love you for your money
You sat in my car, now you pay me fuel! I don’t care you have no money left!
Don’t be poor people!
Why are all of my exes and you all crazy in love with me?
You have an ugly Chinese nose, you should go for surgery… maybe your jaw too you look fat.
Drama again, this is boring.
You always give me problem and stress
You know, all my best friends might treat you well but they’re all laughing at you and complaining to me
I’m fucking smart, but you are stupid
I’ve always seen you as boring and silly
the money you give me is what you owe me!
Discard:
we’re not match, i was only joking but you make it drama.
(i want to tell you to stop calling me horrible things)
I hate when you always come back with drama!
then don’t talk to me anymore, fuck you!
December 2022 to May 2023 - Remember the good times and learn from the bad. Good bye <3
What is it like to be in love with a hole?
You might think - it never happens
But with all dreams, the tides turn
And you pour your promises and care and goals
And all the warmth turned cold
It’s not your fault you’re this way
Your struggles just came to be
but in this relationship it was only you, not me, not we
For you loved the night and I loved day
For your pain and struggles, the price - I paid
Can’t you see I love you so?
All I have I gave you and there’s little left
Meeting halfway wasn’t possible, you performed a theft
Extra careful to remove my heart, you loved me though
Losing my mind isn’t half as a sacrifice as a heart for a hole
but you see, the ones who dream big
stay asleep, but the ones at the top
step on us and we see their feet
a balancing act and we're the desk bound job
they prance on clouds as they please
at the bottom are friends that we've got
hair sprayed white, clothes in jungle green
it's a lonely journey up there, is it worth your shot?
mood's much better.
i think what's wrong isn't me, its me burning out from speaking to rude clients, getting scolded sometimes and being overworked...
i think it's about time for a holiday? now where should i go...
this isn't going to be a polished post about my dreams and life, but more of a catharsis of what i am feeling right now, emptying my brain of these negative vibes all into this cauldron of the world wide web.
i am quite dissatisfied, but it has been this way for a long time. i am uninspired and i feel as if i have not exercised my brain muscles in a long time - sometimes it feels as if i cannot even pen my thoughts onto paper.
it feels so much as if i've been putting my energy into wasteful and resultless pursuits, but time goes on and takes away my youth along with it. i've been making music, singing with no audience, posting with no engagement on youtube or tiktok. but i don't think i sing badly... i just feel... it's like my luck?
but is it luck or am i doing something wrong? or am i just afraid to make a move?
i'm tired of being a b-list actor, acting small roles for 10 years and counting and being paid xx/day and feeling super small... how do i survive on that amount? and it really shows the lack of respect towards working class actors.
i get it we aren't that famous but we work really hard. but fame... some people do say i have some of it - but it hasn't brought me opportunities... in fact... i have had more years back when i was an unknown.
i work in a job that pays fine... but having to rush my lunch/dinner every time is not sustainable at all, and i feel so drained and tired and i can't even exercise / gym which makes me feel even worse, and seeing my fellow staff miss their meals entirely because of a busy crowd makes me feel so sad and indignant, that the boss is ballin' and earning so much but lacks a heart.
and i see my friends around me do very well... buying a sports car... house... business class... ceo of xxxxx - not that im jealous but it made me wonder, what am i doing with my life. am i making the right decisions? by following my "heart" and thinking that if i follow my calling/passion i will do well?
i need to do something with my life but what - get a corporate job? if so, what? what allows some flexibility, some remote work chances, idk something that i can enjoy? sales? business development?
but can i give up this dream which i've been chasing for a decade but which bore no fruit?
i don't want to be average. i don't want to be mediocre. i want to leave a legacy and live a lifestyle with creature comforts, not having to worry about not having enough money. i want to earn so much that no matter how much my mom asks for money or wtv, i can give freely without asking her to control her spending or wondering if i can cope.
it's like i have a dream of the life i wanna have, and the things i wanna do chasing my passions, but
the middle part is empty - i don't know how to get there and every option seems to be a compromise somewhere.
HELP? :(
help.
i feel consumed by my fear of mediocrity and poverty. i'm not sure how to shake that constant ache at the back of my mind, constantly reminding me that i am at the wrong place right now, and i have no time.
and i feel like i have a finite number of days in my life, and every day i spend working part-time, doing aimless, repetitive things does me no good. but if i leave, i would also be wasting my time at home, lazing my day away as entertainment jobs don't come by easy.
i have a vision on the life i want to leave, the lifestyle i want to have but everything does not add up. and i see the lives of so many, slogging days and years only to earn some petty cash - but the big bosses reap all the profit from the labour of the workers. e.g. where i work at, the revenue of the outlet is a hundred times my daily rate; and it's the same wherever i go. and how disgusting is that - capitalism -
but the ones at the top never complain - and i bet, if i'm at the top i won't either. but now i'm one of the factory workers and i am extremely humbled by the difficult lives that we have to lead, to earn a fraction of what these bosses can earn, shaking their legs at home and shaking hands with other powerful people.
i am so lost - and so muddled - i have no anchor anymore, and even at my acting - after 10 years of hard work, i am still this part-time, featured extra actor, hardly respected on set and hardly appreciated, with horrible pay and no future in sight for me.
at this moment - if someone can give me an instruction manual on how to be financially free, i would gladly take it. with money comes authority and freedom - i can record my song album, i can commission my own movie, travel the world, do charity work, treat friends to meals and so much more...
but i'm not poor, i just feel so mediocre and ordinary, but that's what most people end up their whole lives, right? if i'm average, at least i'm not homeless on the streets, begging or dying... i should be appreciative, right?
but i am just not happy. it is so difficult to be happy, and i think it's all my own fault so i can't really tell anyone anything.
help.
a year has passed and i think i could have been more proud of myself. tried new things, new gigs came my way but somehow i feel this lingering stagnancy. i wish for the life of someone well respected, accomplished and powerful; wealthy with one's own prowess and ability - but i feel inadequate. i wish i did not view my self-worth through my success in life, but i am not sure why this is ingrained in me - and i do feel as if i could have done so much much more.
i should not feel sad. i am more than self-sufficient, capable of surviving within my means, but i want an extra-ordinary life. a life that creates inspiration from others - but how would this happen when even i do not think of myself highly?
for 2022, i wish to treat myself better, to measure myself less by the yardstick of the best in society, but with myself - and to congratulate myself for every little victory i might get with my hard work.
i hope for the best, and for me to be happy :)
dear me:
i've always wondered about how everyone's internal voice sounds like. are they happy, bubbly, joyous with encouraging words at every step? or a gentle, calm and collected voice of reason?
sometimes i feel that mine is a grinch, grumbling about life itself, about how it's so futile to search for a higher purpose - everything i've chased is an illusion, and loneliness is comfortable.
but how can that be? after all the laughter, the smiles we exchange, the customary fist bumps - isn't all of that but customary? when we get back into our tiny homes, a box in a sea of grey, do we still smile? at how beautiful life can be, or perhaps a text from someone you adore - but more often than not we revert: smiles gone, tension released, but body heavy with wear and tear, and a weary reckoning on another identical day tomorrow.
sometimes i wish i had someone close, someone to call in the middle of the night to talk about absolutely nothing, someone to ask if i was feeling ok, to cheer me on while i hustle -
but perhaps i chose to be lonely. it is difficult to trust - so many of us are self-centered in our ways, the poor lament about their existence and the rich dip their toes into gold filled bathtubs and branded goods from head to toe - while lamenting about how difficult their life is -
and those who approach you: so many either have an agenda that you are done sieving out the rabble. is it a good position to be in: lonely, but powerful? not under the shrewd eye of the fox, waiting for the opportune time to make use of you, but it comes at a great cost - your phone stays silent and you only share your thoughts with no one but yourself.
but perhaps you could be your own best friend. sometimes i pat my own back and exclaim, " good job, buddy. it has been a difficult life but you have lived till now - and you are not ready to quit."
it has been a difficult life. sometimes i do feel like an imposter - i am gone through so much, and i am not where i want to be: but people think i am an airhead: floating through life, giggling at lame jokes and having fun clowning around. but do they know the baggage i pack away deep within, the could-haves and the has-beens?
but the only person i could be lying to, is myself - but it works to keep me going. it's just the little moment where my skeletons peak out, hanging by the arm out of the closet like a dried little corpse: but i am consoled by the fact but my skeletons are dead - the past, memories that can no longer hurt me.
thanks to this little blog for being my little stash-away that no one will ever find. <3
A lingering melancholy
At the back of your mind
Weighs down so heavy
But hides away for fun time
When you smile
You are an imposter
The lies you speak daily
Are to non other but yourself
Life is fleeting
A long story but a moment in time
Milestones weigh heavy
and living is a mountain climb
But how do you smile
When embraced by fear
Loneliness is a human condition
And entertainment is a lukewarm tear
I dread to sleep, but waking is a momentary cheer
I look at these dried up rain puddles ahead of me:
Muddy remnants of fun, sprouting little greens (or was it black from the soot)
Iridescent in my eyes, but then - isn't this just all in my head?
Sometimes, we paint dreams that are more beautiful than what we embrace
Sending good vibes over from where it should come from
Youth is wasted on the young, they say
Only for us to grow up loathing those dirty brown pools of gross
Underrated fun, clouded by our own ego and dignity
Such is letting go
Takes forever
Endings are beautiful for it means something new, as you
Vanish from my mouth
Ending at the back of my throat
Never to escape but you have to go.